2012-08-22
米國無夢
他曾經那麼倚賴夢,靠著大大小小虛虛實實的夢,才能維持清醒,噬夢為生,卻在踏上米國土地的第一刻開始,突然停止了作夢,夜夜無知無覺到天明。
沒有夢的L,失去了組織現實的架構,就像那些長期失眠的人,對現實的感知能力逐漸被破壞侵蝕,組織象徵與意義的能力也變得支離破碎。尋羊冒險記裡提到的拷問歷史,如今以顛倒的形式發生在L身上。
米國究竟要從L身上榨取出甚麼東西呢?
L逐漸無法理解眼前的一切。有草坪有花園的高級社區,圖畫書裡的大洋房,穿比基尼在街上慢跑的女郎,當清潔工的墨西哥移民口頭禪是OMYGOD,灑水器定時轉動,清潔公司在早晨收垃圾,Aldi比Walmart還便宜,許多人失去了工作也失去了房子,人們習慣你好早安標準表情,不開汽車寸步難行,車裡總是一個人。
L連類似「美國夢」的東西也沒有,卻不斷想起Revolutionary Road,April 死前在窗前的凝視。
2012-07-14
剝洋蔥 - Günter Grass
雖然上萬個戰俘中沒一個餓死,但食物的短缺讓我們看上去像禁慾者,一個人哪怕沒有禁慾的念頭,也覺得自己超凡脫俗......「人不能只靠麵包生存」,這一格言根據強調的不同,可以是營地頗具玩世不恭意味的口號,也可以是聊以慰藉的空話,但是飢餓讓我們理解了其蘊含的哲理,所以許多人渴望得到精神食糧。
佔領軍容忍了德國人這種似乎與生俱來的組織天賦,認為德國人要努力表現自己的特殊才能。我們組織成大大小小的組,全營地的人都有耕耘的義務,要在通識教育、藝術欣賞、哲學認識、信仰恢復以及實際知識等方面取得成效。這一切完全按課表進行,既週密又準時。
班上可以學古希臘語、拉丁語,還能學世界語;在學習小組理可以學習代數和高等數學;各種不入俗套的思辨和追尋根源的深思都有廣闊的自由空間,從亞里士多德到斯賓諾莎再到海德格。
儘管如此,職業訓練也沒被忽視:未來的代理人熟悉了複式記帳法,橋梁建築工人熟悉了靜力學,法學家懂得了迂迴,明天的經濟學家懂得了以營利為目標的市場經濟法則......然而,畢竟是飢餓把我趕進了抽象的烹飪班。
這門誘人的課程與其他課程一起貼在戰俘營管理處大樓前的告示欄裡,告示上甚至還畫著一個帶廚師帽的小人頭招攬學員。在以前的騎兵團獸醫站上這門所有課程中最荒唐的課,每天上兩個雙課時,自己帶寫字紙。
......我們的廚師長說他已降級為「野戰炊事車的砲手」了,他在軍中的仕途到二等兵就結束了。可是他那所謂德語,那特殊的「逮語」,我聽著陌生。他不說「一點」,而說「一丁」,把卷心菜叫「大頭菜」。只要往黑板前一站開始講課,他就口若懸河,連比帶畫,說話含糊不清,很像大家喜歡的電影演員漢斯莫澤爾。
有人可能以為他像虐待狂一樣用美食佳餚折騰我們這些餓鬼,比如用精煮牛肉配奶油辣根、梭子魚丸、烤羊肉串、拌塊菌的野生稻米飯、裹上糖漿的野鴨胸脯肉配泡菜,其實不是,他是用別的東西,用毫無創意的家常便飯來對付我們。真正有營養價值的美食他只是在做細緻的「科學考察」時順便提一下,每次「科考」都以一個可宰殺的對象為中心。
我們這些忍飢挨餓的人記著筆記,寫滿一頁又一頁:取若干......加一些......然後放在一起......兩個半小時......
他是魔幻大師,只用一隻手就能把夢境之中那些肥嘟嘟的牲口按在案板上上宰殺。他甚至能以虛無為原料弄出美味來。他把空氣攪成濃湯,用三個鼻音發出的詞軟化石頭......
「今天,注意了,我們講豬,」用土話說完這句開場白,師傅用喀喀作響的粉筆和準確無誤的線條在黑板上勾勒出一頭發育成熟的母豬輪廓,然後把雄踞於黑板上的豬肢解成有名稱的部位,用羅馬數字標示出。「一號部位是豬尾巴,放在普通的小扁豆湯裡一起煮,味道不錯。」
接著他給豬腿各部位編上號,從豬爪到上邊的跗部,同樣適合一起煮。然後他又從前蹄髈講到後蹄髈,從頸肉開始到里脊肉再到肋條和奶脯。
在此過程中我們聽到了顛撲不破的至理名言:「頸肉比肋條肉汁更多......」
里脊肉應用麵包粉裹一裹,然後放到烤箱裡。還有其他一些我至今還在遵循的烹飪方法。
我們每天只分到一滿勺清湯寡水的白菜湯或大麥粥,他建議我們在烤豬肉時用快刀在脂膜上一橫一豎各拉一條槽,「告訴你們吧,這樣一來外皮特香!」
他審視著我們,目光掃了我們一圈,一個也不放過,我也在內,然後說:「我知道,先生們,對吧,我們現在都流口水了。」他停頓了一下,其間每個人都能聽到自己和別人嚥口水的聲音,然後他基於同情及對我們共同困境的了解宣布道:「我們不再說油膩的東西了,現在我們談談怎樣宰豬。」
雖然我的八開本子丟了,但回憶的洋蔥能幫助我逐字逐句引用師傅好記易懂的警句。現在回顧起來,我看到他演啞劇般地比畫著,因為在這示範性的屠宰過程中,關鍵是要趁熱接「豬血」,然後在木盆裡不斷攪動,這樣血就不會凝固了,「你們得攪,不停地攪!」
因此我們坐在板凳、箱子和鋪著磁磚的地上,在想象的木盆裡攪豬血,一會兒向左一會兒向右,然後再交叉著來。豬血從想像的刀口噴出,冒著熱氣,然後不住地往下滴。我們相信,自己聽見母豬吱吱的叫聲越來越弱,感受到血的熱度,吸入了血的味道。
在以後的年頭,只要我應邀參加屠宰節,每次都對現實大為失望,因為它遠遠不如師傅的魔幻術,只是單純的屠宰而已,只不過是他說的那些話的一絲餘音罷了。
2012-06-16
你不喜歡這種電影吧,我想?對你來說不夠聰明?
我否認只喜歡「聰明」的電影,但她半信半疑:很好,我們等著瞧。
從電影開始到結束,她不斷偷窺我,看我有沒有笑。一開始,我誇張地狂笑。然後,開始感到厭倦,我就完全不笑了。娜塔莉亞對我越來越不耐煩。影片快結束前,她甚至開始在該笑的時候用手肘輕推我。沒多久燈亮起來,她發難:
你看吧?我說得沒錯。你不喜歡,不是嗎?
我真的非常喜歡。
喔,是啊,我相信!現在說真心話吧。
我跟你說了,我喜歡。
但你沒有笑。你坐著總是一臉......娜塔莉亞試著模仿我......一次也沒笑。
我被逗樂的時候從來不笑。
喔,是啊,或許吧!那八成是你的英國習俗之一吧,不笑?
英國人被逗樂的時候沒有一個會笑。
你以為我會相信?那我告訴你:你的英國人都瘋了。
這說法不算新鮮。
而我的說法一定都要新鮮嗎,這位親愛的先生?
當你跟我在一起時,就要。
白癡!
From: 再見,柏林 by Christopher Isherwood
我否認只喜歡「聰明」的電影,但她半信半疑:很好,我們等著瞧。
從電影開始到結束,她不斷偷窺我,看我有沒有笑。一開始,我誇張地狂笑。然後,開始感到厭倦,我就完全不笑了。娜塔莉亞對我越來越不耐煩。影片快結束前,她甚至開始在該笑的時候用手肘輕推我。沒多久燈亮起來,她發難:
你看吧?我說得沒錯。你不喜歡,不是嗎?
我真的非常喜歡。
喔,是啊,我相信!現在說真心話吧。
我跟你說了,我喜歡。
但你沒有笑。你坐著總是一臉......娜塔莉亞試著模仿我......一次也沒笑。
我被逗樂的時候從來不笑。
喔,是啊,或許吧!那八成是你的英國習俗之一吧,不笑?
英國人被逗樂的時候沒有一個會笑。
你以為我會相信?那我告訴你:你的英國人都瘋了。
這說法不算新鮮。
而我的說法一定都要新鮮嗎,這位親愛的先生?
當你跟我在一起時,就要。
白癡!
From: 再見,柏林 by Christopher Isherwood
2012-05-18
2012-05-01
2012-04-25
奇萊前書 - 楊牧
252
那當然是完全屬於你的。
甚至,甚至到這樣一個層次,惟獨為我所認知,辨識,因為它純真不變,首先便嚴重地感動了我。
感動了你自己?
感動了我自己,在那追尋的時刻裡。我從甲地倉皇趕赴乙地,在追尋著啊一個影像。我顛躓匍匐,遍體鱗傷,爬起來,靠著偉大的樹幹休息,沈思,對天上的大小星子許願,同時構思一完整篇幅的字,我心靈裡的字。則我的字來自精神的挫折和身體的創傷。
說不定你講來講去,只繞著愛這個題目。是不是?
愛?
愛是不是你更重要的題目?
不知道。
不知道?
不能斷定到底是字重要還是愛重要。
當然是愛重要。
不一定。
當然是愛比字重要。
不一定。
有一天你會徹底覺悟。
到那一天再說。
愛是一切的動力,大至宇宙時空,小至血汗淚水,笑靨嘆息,無非因為愛而顯現隱匿。你自己完全瞭解這一點,奈何不承認?
我只是懷疑,有時——
懷疑?
我懷疑,有時愛是手段,字才是目的。
太可怕了,太可怕了!
……
太可怕了,太可怕了你這個論調。
2012-03-09
2012-03-06
Istanbul: Memories and the City - Orhan Pamuk
8
I feel compelled to add 'or so I've been told.' In Turkish we have a special tense that allows us to distinguish hearsy from what we've seen with our own eyes; when we are relating dreams, fairy tales, or past events we could not have witnessed, we use this tense. It is a useful distinction to make as we 'remember' our earliest life experiences, our cradles, our baby carriages, our first steps, as reported by our parents, stories to which we listen with the same rapt attention we might pay some brilliant tale that happened to concern some other person. It's a sensation as sweet as seeing ourselves in our dream, but we pay a heavy price for it. Once imprinted in our minds, other people's reports of what we've done end up mattering more than what we ourselves remember. And just as we learn about our lives from others, so, too, do we let others shape our understanding of the city in which we live.
13
In time I would come to dread those long festive lunches, those endless evening celebrations, those New Years' feasts when the whole family would linger after the meal to play lotto; every year, I would swear it was the last time I'd go, but somehow I never managed to break the habit. When I was little, though, I loved these meals. As I watched the jokes travel around the crowded table and my uncles laugh (under the influenc of vodka or raki) and my grandmother smilimg (under the influence of the tiny glass of beer she allowed herself) - I could not help but notice how much more fun life was outside the picture frame. I felt security of belonging to a large and happy family and could bask in the illusion that we were put on earth to take pleasure in it, though I had been long aware that these relatives of mine who could laugh, dine and joke together on holidays were also merciless and unforgiving in quarrels over money and property. By ourselves, in the privacy of our own apartment, my mother was always complaining to my brother and me about the cruelties of 'your aunt','your uncle','your grandmother'. In the evnet of a disagreement over who owned what, or the division of shares of the rope factory, or who would live on which floor of the apartment block, the only certainty was that there would never be a resolution. These rifts may faded for holiday meals, but from an early age I was aware that, behind the gaiety, these was a mounting pile of unsettled scores and a sea of recriminations.
16
God had chosen not to bind us to the city's fate, I thought, simply because we were rich. But as my father and my uncle stumbled from one bankruptcy to the next, as our fortune dwindled and our family disintegrated and the quarrels over money grew more intense, every visit to my grandmother's apartment brought me sorrow and a step closer to a realisation: it was a long time coming, arriving by a circuitous route, but the cloud of gloom and loss that the fall of the Ottoman Empire had spread over Istanbul finally claimed my family, too.
I feel compelled to add 'or so I've been told.' In Turkish we have a special tense that allows us to distinguish hearsy from what we've seen with our own eyes; when we are relating dreams, fairy tales, or past events we could not have witnessed, we use this tense. It is a useful distinction to make as we 'remember' our earliest life experiences, our cradles, our baby carriages, our first steps, as reported by our parents, stories to which we listen with the same rapt attention we might pay some brilliant tale that happened to concern some other person. It's a sensation as sweet as seeing ourselves in our dream, but we pay a heavy price for it. Once imprinted in our minds, other people's reports of what we've done end up mattering more than what we ourselves remember. And just as we learn about our lives from others, so, too, do we let others shape our understanding of the city in which we live.
13
In time I would come to dread those long festive lunches, those endless evening celebrations, those New Years' feasts when the whole family would linger after the meal to play lotto; every year, I would swear it was the last time I'd go, but somehow I never managed to break the habit. When I was little, though, I loved these meals. As I watched the jokes travel around the crowded table and my uncles laugh (under the influenc of vodka or raki) and my grandmother smilimg (under the influence of the tiny glass of beer she allowed herself) - I could not help but notice how much more fun life was outside the picture frame. I felt security of belonging to a large and happy family and could bask in the illusion that we were put on earth to take pleasure in it, though I had been long aware that these relatives of mine who could laugh, dine and joke together on holidays were also merciless and unforgiving in quarrels over money and property. By ourselves, in the privacy of our own apartment, my mother was always complaining to my brother and me about the cruelties of 'your aunt','your uncle','your grandmother'. In the evnet of a disagreement over who owned what, or the division of shares of the rope factory, or who would live on which floor of the apartment block, the only certainty was that there would never be a resolution. These rifts may faded for holiday meals, but from an early age I was aware that, behind the gaiety, these was a mounting pile of unsettled scores and a sea of recriminations.
16
God had chosen not to bind us to the city's fate, I thought, simply because we were rich. But as my father and my uncle stumbled from one bankruptcy to the next, as our fortune dwindled and our family disintegrated and the quarrels over money grew more intense, every visit to my grandmother's apartment brought me sorrow and a step closer to a realisation: it was a long time coming, arriving by a circuitous route, but the cloud of gloom and loss that the fall of the Ottoman Empire had spread over Istanbul finally claimed my family, too.
2012-03-05
星圖 - 楊牧
我們注定是要相遇的,在注定的一點。
並且也必然就是匆促,在抽象世界的某一點不期而遇,各自懷著心事,無窮的記憶,互相不交織的數不盡的往事,彼此不相干的數不盡的往事,獨立發生的情節,那樣有機地發展過,又似乎延續著,若有若無,只是沒有任何重疊的跡象,兩人的過去。
我們的面容流露關注,期望,和些許疲倦,因為累積的感情負荷而顯得疲倦,這於我這一邊是不可置疑的,雖然於你極可能未必--我猜測我之所以說「我們」如何如何,無非一種自我情緒對外的投射,選擇了你作為移情的目標,並沒有得到你的鼓勵,同意。我需要得到你的首肯才能這樣將你與我並舉嗎?若是我有足夠的嚮往,凡事對你讓步,你會容許我自由聯想,在我寂寞的長長下午的時刻,將你的神采和肢體一起擁抱於胸臆嶔巒曲折之處,你容許嗎?我但願能夠改變自己那種抑悒的臉色,當我步行,朝向那預言裏勢必湧現的一點;我但願能夠遺忘所有糾葛的過往的事件,以全部的坦誠和真實信義來到那準確的所在,詩和哲學的殿堂,昇華的音樂之宮,植物萌芽於剎那,動物在求愛,交配,生育,茁長,石礫在加強硬度,礦苗熾熱,隨時將自我點火燃燒。我寧可保有一和悅的表情,回歸少年好奇,歡愉的心,在風中步行,有時加快速度奔跑起來,朝那特定的方向前進,逆風。
假如我有甚麼祈求,那麼就是這些了:給我孤獨,於那孤獨的自覺中淨化觀察和想像;給我足夠的智慧,教我於大半時候保持一種從容,疏離,不置可否。我一路上念著這些,心中有那麼多的期待,朝向生命注定的一點步行前進。我看見彩翼的鳳鳥在空中飛,雲向天邊飄散,太陽在接近中央的位置猶豫等候,而月亮匿藏於地球的另外一側,幽昧吟哦:「綠毛釵動小相思,一唱南軒日午時;慢靸輕裾行欲近,待調諸曲起來遲。」假如你覺得我不必有所求,我就保持沉默,不再念那些,但請允許我期待一切於心中,朝你夢中迷離的世界步行前進。
並且也必然就是匆促,在抽象世界的某一點不期而遇,各自懷著心事,無窮的記憶,互相不交織的數不盡的往事,彼此不相干的數不盡的往事,獨立發生的情節,那樣有機地發展過,又似乎延續著,若有若無,只是沒有任何重疊的跡象,兩人的過去。
我們的面容流露關注,期望,和些許疲倦,因為累積的感情負荷而顯得疲倦,這於我這一邊是不可置疑的,雖然於你極可能未必--我猜測我之所以說「我們」如何如何,無非一種自我情緒對外的投射,選擇了你作為移情的目標,並沒有得到你的鼓勵,同意。我需要得到你的首肯才能這樣將你與我並舉嗎?若是我有足夠的嚮往,凡事對你讓步,你會容許我自由聯想,在我寂寞的長長下午的時刻,將你的神采和肢體一起擁抱於胸臆嶔巒曲折之處,你容許嗎?我但願能夠改變自己那種抑悒的臉色,當我步行,朝向那預言裏勢必湧現的一點;我但願能夠遺忘所有糾葛的過往的事件,以全部的坦誠和真實信義來到那準確的所在,詩和哲學的殿堂,昇華的音樂之宮,植物萌芽於剎那,動物在求愛,交配,生育,茁長,石礫在加強硬度,礦苗熾熱,隨時將自我點火燃燒。我寧可保有一和悅的表情,回歸少年好奇,歡愉的心,在風中步行,有時加快速度奔跑起來,朝那特定的方向前進,逆風。
假如我有甚麼祈求,那麼就是這些了:給我孤獨,於那孤獨的自覺中淨化觀察和想像;給我足夠的智慧,教我於大半時候保持一種從容,疏離,不置可否。我一路上念著這些,心中有那麼多的期待,朝向生命注定的一點步行前進。我看見彩翼的鳳鳥在空中飛,雲向天邊飄散,太陽在接近中央的位置猶豫等候,而月亮匿藏於地球的另外一側,幽昧吟哦:「綠毛釵動小相思,一唱南軒日午時;慢靸輕裾行欲近,待調諸曲起來遲。」假如你覺得我不必有所求,我就保持沉默,不再念那些,但請允許我期待一切於心中,朝你夢中迷離的世界步行前進。
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