What I want to say is that you will never know what I want to say.
2012-03-09
2012-03-06
Istanbul: Memories and the City - Orhan Pamuk
8
I feel compelled to add 'or so I've been told.' In Turkish we have a special tense that allows us to distinguish hearsy from what we've seen with our own eyes; when we are relating dreams, fairy tales, or past events we could not have witnessed, we use this tense. It is a useful distinction to make as we 'remember' our earliest life experiences, our cradles, our baby carriages, our first steps, as reported by our parents, stories to which we listen with the same rapt attention we might pay some brilliant tale that happened to concern some other person. It's a sensation as sweet as seeing ourselves in our dream, but we pay a heavy price for it. Once imprinted in our minds, other people's reports of what we've done end up mattering more than what we ourselves remember. And just as we learn about our lives from others, so, too, do we let others shape our understanding of the city in which we live.
13
In time I would come to dread those long festive lunches, those endless evening celebrations, those New Years' feasts when the whole family would linger after the meal to play lotto; every year, I would swear it was the last time I'd go, but somehow I never managed to break the habit. When I was little, though, I loved these meals. As I watched the jokes travel around the crowded table and my uncles laugh (under the influenc of vodka or raki) and my grandmother smilimg (under the influence of the tiny glass of beer she allowed herself) - I could not help but notice how much more fun life was outside the picture frame. I felt security of belonging to a large and happy family and could bask in the illusion that we were put on earth to take pleasure in it, though I had been long aware that these relatives of mine who could laugh, dine and joke together on holidays were also merciless and unforgiving in quarrels over money and property. By ourselves, in the privacy of our own apartment, my mother was always complaining to my brother and me about the cruelties of 'your aunt','your uncle','your grandmother'. In the evnet of a disagreement over who owned what, or the division of shares of the rope factory, or who would live on which floor of the apartment block, the only certainty was that there would never be a resolution. These rifts may faded for holiday meals, but from an early age I was aware that, behind the gaiety, these was a mounting pile of unsettled scores and a sea of recriminations.
16
God had chosen not to bind us to the city's fate, I thought, simply because we were rich. But as my father and my uncle stumbled from one bankruptcy to the next, as our fortune dwindled and our family disintegrated and the quarrels over money grew more intense, every visit to my grandmother's apartment brought me sorrow and a step closer to a realisation: it was a long time coming, arriving by a circuitous route, but the cloud of gloom and loss that the fall of the Ottoman Empire had spread over Istanbul finally claimed my family, too.
I feel compelled to add 'or so I've been told.' In Turkish we have a special tense that allows us to distinguish hearsy from what we've seen with our own eyes; when we are relating dreams, fairy tales, or past events we could not have witnessed, we use this tense. It is a useful distinction to make as we 'remember' our earliest life experiences, our cradles, our baby carriages, our first steps, as reported by our parents, stories to which we listen with the same rapt attention we might pay some brilliant tale that happened to concern some other person. It's a sensation as sweet as seeing ourselves in our dream, but we pay a heavy price for it. Once imprinted in our minds, other people's reports of what we've done end up mattering more than what we ourselves remember. And just as we learn about our lives from others, so, too, do we let others shape our understanding of the city in which we live.
13
In time I would come to dread those long festive lunches, those endless evening celebrations, those New Years' feasts when the whole family would linger after the meal to play lotto; every year, I would swear it was the last time I'd go, but somehow I never managed to break the habit. When I was little, though, I loved these meals. As I watched the jokes travel around the crowded table and my uncles laugh (under the influenc of vodka or raki) and my grandmother smilimg (under the influence of the tiny glass of beer she allowed herself) - I could not help but notice how much more fun life was outside the picture frame. I felt security of belonging to a large and happy family and could bask in the illusion that we were put on earth to take pleasure in it, though I had been long aware that these relatives of mine who could laugh, dine and joke together on holidays were also merciless and unforgiving in quarrels over money and property. By ourselves, in the privacy of our own apartment, my mother was always complaining to my brother and me about the cruelties of 'your aunt','your uncle','your grandmother'. In the evnet of a disagreement over who owned what, or the division of shares of the rope factory, or who would live on which floor of the apartment block, the only certainty was that there would never be a resolution. These rifts may faded for holiday meals, but from an early age I was aware that, behind the gaiety, these was a mounting pile of unsettled scores and a sea of recriminations.
16
God had chosen not to bind us to the city's fate, I thought, simply because we were rich. But as my father and my uncle stumbled from one bankruptcy to the next, as our fortune dwindled and our family disintegrated and the quarrels over money grew more intense, every visit to my grandmother's apartment brought me sorrow and a step closer to a realisation: it was a long time coming, arriving by a circuitous route, but the cloud of gloom and loss that the fall of the Ottoman Empire had spread over Istanbul finally claimed my family, too.
2012-03-05
星圖 - 楊牧
我們注定是要相遇的，在注定的一點。
並且也必然就是匆促，在抽象世界的某一點不期而遇，各自懷著心事，無窮的記憶，互相不交織的數不盡的往事，彼此不相干的數不盡的往事，獨立發生的情節，那樣有機地發展過，又似乎延續著，若有若無，只是沒有任何重疊的跡象，兩人的過去。
我們的面容流露關注，期望，和些許疲倦，因為累積的感情負荷而顯得疲倦，這於我這一邊是不可置疑的，雖然於你極可能未必--我猜測我之所以說「我們」如何如何，無非一種自我情緒對外的投射，選擇了你作為移情的目標，並沒有得到你的鼓勵，同意。我需要得到你的首肯才能這樣將你與我並舉嗎？若是我有足夠的嚮往，凡事對你讓步，你會容許我自由聯想，在我寂寞的長長下午的時刻，將你的神采和肢體一起擁抱於胸臆嶔巒曲折之處，你容許嗎？我但願能夠改變自己那種抑悒的臉色，當我步行，朝向那預言裏勢必湧現的一點；我但願能夠遺忘所有糾葛的過往的事件，以全部的坦誠和真實信義來到那準確的所在，詩和哲學的殿堂，昇華的音樂之宮，植物萌芽於剎那，動物在求愛，交配，生育，茁長，石礫在加強硬度，礦苗熾熱，隨時將自我點火燃燒。我寧可保有一和悅的表情，回歸少年好奇，歡愉的心，在風中步行，有時加快速度奔跑起來，朝那特定的方向前進，逆風。
假如我有甚麼祈求，那麼就是這些了：給我孤獨，於那孤獨的自覺中淨化觀察和想像；給我足夠的智慧，教我於大半時候保持一種從容，疏離，不置可否。我一路上念著這些，心中有那麼多的期待，朝向生命注定的一點步行前進。我看見彩翼的鳳鳥在空中飛，雲向天邊飄散，太陽在接近中央的位置猶豫等候，而月亮匿藏於地球的另外一側，幽昧吟哦：「綠毛釵動小相思，一唱南軒日午時；慢靸輕裾行欲近，待調諸曲起來遲。」假如你覺得我不必有所求，我就保持沉默，不再念那些，但請允許我期待一切於心中，朝你夢中迷離的世界步行前進。
並且也必然就是匆促，在抽象世界的某一點不期而遇，各自懷著心事，無窮的記憶，互相不交織的數不盡的往事，彼此不相干的數不盡的往事，獨立發生的情節，那樣有機地發展過，又似乎延續著，若有若無，只是沒有任何重疊的跡象，兩人的過去。
我們的面容流露關注，期望，和些許疲倦，因為累積的感情負荷而顯得疲倦，這於我這一邊是不可置疑的，雖然於你極可能未必--我猜測我之所以說「我們」如何如何，無非一種自我情緒對外的投射，選擇了你作為移情的目標，並沒有得到你的鼓勵，同意。我需要得到你的首肯才能這樣將你與我並舉嗎？若是我有足夠的嚮往，凡事對你讓步，你會容許我自由聯想，在我寂寞的長長下午的時刻，將你的神采和肢體一起擁抱於胸臆嶔巒曲折之處，你容許嗎？我但願能夠改變自己那種抑悒的臉色，當我步行，朝向那預言裏勢必湧現的一點；我但願能夠遺忘所有糾葛的過往的事件，以全部的坦誠和真實信義來到那準確的所在，詩和哲學的殿堂，昇華的音樂之宮，植物萌芽於剎那，動物在求愛，交配，生育，茁長，石礫在加強硬度，礦苗熾熱，隨時將自我點火燃燒。我寧可保有一和悅的表情，回歸少年好奇，歡愉的心，在風中步行，有時加快速度奔跑起來，朝那特定的方向前進，逆風。
假如我有甚麼祈求，那麼就是這些了：給我孤獨，於那孤獨的自覺中淨化觀察和想像；給我足夠的智慧，教我於大半時候保持一種從容，疏離，不置可否。我一路上念著這些，心中有那麼多的期待，朝向生命注定的一點步行前進。我看見彩翼的鳳鳥在空中飛，雲向天邊飄散，太陽在接近中央的位置猶豫等候，而月亮匿藏於地球的另外一側，幽昧吟哦：「綠毛釵動小相思，一唱南軒日午時；慢靸輕裾行欲近，待調諸曲起來遲。」假如你覺得我不必有所求，我就保持沉默，不再念那些，但請允許我期待一切於心中，朝你夢中迷離的世界步行前進。
2012-02-28
敘事人 - Mario Vargas Llosa
211
瑪奇根加人是由天神塔蘇林奇吹出來的，這位塔蘇林奇是一切生命的創造者。瑪奇根加人沒有自己的名字，他們的名字總是臨時現起的，相對的，隨時可換的，如到達的人，走掉的人，剛死了妻子的丈夫，從獨木舟下來的人，坐下來的人，射箭的人，等等。他們的語言只有這幾種數詞：一、二、三、四，其它的數字則用形容詞「許多」來表示。他們對天堂的概念極為可憐：一個地方，其中有可釣魚的河流，有樹林和可獵取的動物。他們把自己的游獵生活同天空中的星辰運轉聯繫起來。他們之中自願死去的人數比例很大……他們把某種植物的毒刺刺進自己的心臟或太陽穴，或是飲下毒汁，而原因卻是微不足道的：跟人爭吵了，射箭沒中，或是受到家人的斥責。一次微不足道的不愉快就可以導致瑪奇根加人自殺……一點小病就常常使他們喪命。他們對感冒極為恐懼，森林地區的許多部落也都這樣，在他們面前打噴嚏就等於恐嚇他們。而瑪奇根加人卻與眾不同，患了感冒都拒絕醫治，只要一有頭痛、出血、眩暈就準備去死，他們拒絕服藥，讓人治病。「有甚麼用呢，反正人總有一死。」他們是這樣回答的。他們的巫師、巫醫，即塞利皮加利，只有在驅逐惡魔和靈魂上的災難時，才有人去諮詢和邀請。一旦靈魂上的災難表現在肉體的疾病時，他們就幾乎認為是不治之症了。一個病人走到河邊躺下來等待死亡——這是經常能看到的情景。
229
我一口氣就讀完了，書不長，也很簡單。在書中，好心的多明我傳教士常常稱瑪奇根加人為野人，對他們的小孩子氣、懶惰、酗酒和巫術(維森特神父稱之為「夜間的妖魔聚會」)加以慈父般的責備。儘管傳教士在瑪奇根加人中間居住了二十多年，但仍彷彿是從外部、從很遠的地方觀察他們，但維森特神父對瑪奇根加人的誠實無欺、信守諾言和慎重行事卻大加讚揚。此外，他的著作也證實了我剛剛做出的判斷，即瑪奇根加人有著一種類似病態的嗜好，那就是聽故事和講故事，簡直是些不可救藥的傳言者。他們閒不住，不戀故土，彷彿著了魔似的總是東遷西移。樹林對他們有著一種魔力，傳教士們利用各種誘惑手段想把他們吸引到奇隆畢亞、柯利貝尼和潘迪柯約等中心地帶去，精疲力盡地企圖讓他們離開森林，送給他們鏡子、食物、種子，從健康、教育或哪怕是僅僅為了生存的觀點向他們解釋群居的好處。他們好像是被說服了，於是就建造房屋，開墾田地，同意把子女送到教會學校去讀書，他們自己也渾身塗抹地準時去參加晚禱和晨禱。於是人們以為把他們納入了基督教文明的軌道。突然，某一天他們既不道謝，也不告別，就在大森林裡消失得無影無蹤了。一種祖傳的本能不可抗拒地推動他們去過游獵生活，分散在盤根交錯的處女林之中。這種本能比他們本身更為強而有力。
174
這類的決心這種聖徒與瘋子式的決心是不宜大加宣揚的。這決心是逐漸形成的，是在精神深處形成的，並且未經他人讚許（人們是永遠不會同意的）就付諸實施的。我想，在此種計畫形成以及改變其行為的過程中，他身上聖徒的那一面，不管是受到啟示還是發了瘋，在逐漸孤立、被一種他人無法涉足的孤獨感所包圍。
瑪奇根加人是由天神塔蘇林奇吹出來的，這位塔蘇林奇是一切生命的創造者。瑪奇根加人沒有自己的名字，他們的名字總是臨時現起的，相對的，隨時可換的，如到達的人，走掉的人，剛死了妻子的丈夫，從獨木舟下來的人，坐下來的人，射箭的人，等等。他們的語言只有這幾種數詞：一、二、三、四，其它的數字則用形容詞「許多」來表示。他們對天堂的概念極為可憐：一個地方，其中有可釣魚的河流，有樹林和可獵取的動物。他們把自己的游獵生活同天空中的星辰運轉聯繫起來。他們之中自願死去的人數比例很大……他們把某種植物的毒刺刺進自己的心臟或太陽穴，或是飲下毒汁，而原因卻是微不足道的：跟人爭吵了，射箭沒中，或是受到家人的斥責。一次微不足道的不愉快就可以導致瑪奇根加人自殺……一點小病就常常使他們喪命。他們對感冒極為恐懼，森林地區的許多部落也都這樣，在他們面前打噴嚏就等於恐嚇他們。而瑪奇根加人卻與眾不同，患了感冒都拒絕醫治，只要一有頭痛、出血、眩暈就準備去死，他們拒絕服藥，讓人治病。「有甚麼用呢，反正人總有一死。」他們是這樣回答的。他們的巫師、巫醫，即塞利皮加利，只有在驅逐惡魔和靈魂上的災難時，才有人去諮詢和邀請。一旦靈魂上的災難表現在肉體的疾病時，他們就幾乎認為是不治之症了。一個病人走到河邊躺下來等待死亡——這是經常能看到的情景。
229
我一口氣就讀完了，書不長，也很簡單。在書中，好心的多明我傳教士常常稱瑪奇根加人為野人，對他們的小孩子氣、懶惰、酗酒和巫術(維森特神父稱之為「夜間的妖魔聚會」)加以慈父般的責備。儘管傳教士在瑪奇根加人中間居住了二十多年，但仍彷彿是從外部、從很遠的地方觀察他們，但維森特神父對瑪奇根加人的誠實無欺、信守諾言和慎重行事卻大加讚揚。此外，他的著作也證實了我剛剛做出的判斷，即瑪奇根加人有著一種類似病態的嗜好，那就是聽故事和講故事，簡直是些不可救藥的傳言者。他們閒不住，不戀故土，彷彿著了魔似的總是東遷西移。樹林對他們有著一種魔力，傳教士們利用各種誘惑手段想把他們吸引到奇隆畢亞、柯利貝尼和潘迪柯約等中心地帶去，精疲力盡地企圖讓他們離開森林，送給他們鏡子、食物、種子，從健康、教育或哪怕是僅僅為了生存的觀點向他們解釋群居的好處。他們好像是被說服了，於是就建造房屋，開墾田地，同意把子女送到教會學校去讀書，他們自己也渾身塗抹地準時去參加晚禱和晨禱。於是人們以為把他們納入了基督教文明的軌道。突然，某一天他們既不道謝，也不告別，就在大森林裡消失得無影無蹤了。一種祖傳的本能不可抗拒地推動他們去過游獵生活，分散在盤根交錯的處女林之中。這種本能比他們本身更為強而有力。
174
這類的決心這種聖徒與瘋子式的決心是不宜大加宣揚的。這決心是逐漸形成的，是在精神深處形成的，並且未經他人讚許（人們是永遠不會同意的）就付諸實施的。我想，在此種計畫形成以及改變其行為的過程中，他身上聖徒的那一面，不管是受到啟示還是發了瘋，在逐漸孤立、被一種他人無法涉足的孤獨感所包圍。
2012-02-16
2011-09-20
G. - John Berger
Falling in love at five or six, although rare, is the same as falling in love at fifty. One may interpret one's feelings differently, the outcome may be different, but the state of feeling and of being is the same.
Being inlove is an elaborate state of anticipation for the continual exchanging of certain kinds of gifts. The gifts can range from a glance to the offering of the entire self. But the gifts must be gifts: they cannot be claimed. One has no right as a lover - except the right to anticipate what the other wishes to give. Most children are surrounded by their rights (their right to indulgence, to consolation, etc.); and so they do not and cannot fall in love. But if a child - as a result of circumstances - comes to realize that such right as he does enjoy are not fundamental, if he has recognized, however inarticulately, that happiness is not something that can be assured and promised but is something that has to try to find for himself, if he is aware of being essentially alone, then he may find himself anticipating pure, gratuitous and continual gifts offerd by another and the state of that anticipation is the state of being in love. You may ask: but what does he have to offer in exchange? The boy, like a man, offers himself - not altogether impossibly. What is impossible, or at least very improbable, is that his beloved will ever recognize either his offer or his anticipation for what they are.
- p.36
Being inlove is an elaborate state of anticipation for the continual exchanging of certain kinds of gifts. The gifts can range from a glance to the offering of the entire self. But the gifts must be gifts: they cannot be claimed. One has no right as a lover - except the right to anticipate what the other wishes to give. Most children are surrounded by their rights (their right to indulgence, to consolation, etc.); and so they do not and cannot fall in love. But if a child - as a result of circumstances - comes to realize that such right as he does enjoy are not fundamental, if he has recognized, however inarticulately, that happiness is not something that can be assured and promised but is something that has to try to find for himself, if he is aware of being essentially alone, then he may find himself anticipating pure, gratuitous and continual gifts offerd by another and the state of that anticipation is the state of being in love. You may ask: but what does he have to offer in exchange? The boy, like a man, offers himself - not altogether impossibly. What is impossible, or at least very improbable, is that his beloved will ever recognize either his offer or his anticipation for what they are.
- p.36
2011-09-14
G. - John Berger
She notices G. gazing at her. Most men when they stare at an unknown woman who attracts them, have already begun in their imagination the process of seducing and undressing her; they already see her in certain positions with certain expressions on her face; they are already beginning to dream about her. And so, when she intercepts their look, one of two things happens: either they continue to stare at her shamelessly because her real existence does not disturb their dream; or else she will read a flicker of shame in their eyes expressed as a momentary hesitation to which she will be obliged to respond either encouragingly or discouragingly.
He stares at her without shame or insolence. In his imagination he has not laid a finger upon her. His purpose is to present himself as he is. Everything else can follow. It is as though he imagines himself naked before her. And she is aware of this. She recognizes that the man looking at her is utterly confident that he has no need to hide anything, no need of any deception or covering. How is she to respond to such imprudence?
- p.157
He stares at her without shame or insolence. In his imagination he has not laid a finger upon her. His purpose is to present himself as he is. Everything else can follow. It is as though he imagines himself naked before her. And she is aware of this. She recognizes that the man looking at her is utterly confident that he has no need to hide anything, no need of any deception or covering. How is she to respond to such imprudence?
- p.157
2011-08-16
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